My favourite piece

It’s interesting that you want us for our food and our skin is so beautiful to you.
“I wish I had your skin” I hear you say. Yet when there are people with my skin targeted and killed, all I hear is crickets and silence. I hear you make jokes about anybody different – “you’re lucky you’re easy going. We like you.” Is that meant to make me feel better? Would you like me less if I had an accent or spoke up about the quality of your “jokes?” “I find it so interesting that you wonder aloud why I think I don’t fit in” as you watch me change to fit the situation. As I have made my name easier to suit you and make you comfortable and to not stick out. Does this persona suit you because I try to be like you? “I’m not racist but you should have made your kids name easier to pronounce so they wouldn’t get bullied” you say as you continue to bully your colleagues, even those with “normal” names. “But where are you really from?” you question as you imagine an exotic location but then give no further thought or consideration to the answer because it no longer fits the narrative. “I don’t see colour” as you ignore the obstacles I have faced because of the colour of my skin. “I don’t understand why you would need a counsellor that looks like you.” As I look around and everybody looks like you. “You’re pretty angry and too sensitive.” Yeah, nah, its not like I’m tired of pretending to be who you want me to be so I can fit in. Someone who is the butt of many jokes and is supposed to just be cool with it. “Are you guys related?” You ask me of a similar darker skinned person – meanwhile you and your husband look like you are siblings. “You must love curry” you assert as you feed into permeating stereotypes that diminishes a whole group of people into a singular food item. Yes – you must love potatoes. “You can never be the commissioner – you are too brown” as you continue to advance and experience systemic progression on account of entire groups of people not being considered. We are supposed to act and be grateful for the opportunities you have given us – when in reality we have to work twice as hard and bear the brunt of also carrying the cultural load that you all continue to make our responsibility. BUT don’t be angry about it – that just makes you seem really ungrateful. Don’t talk to anyone unless we say either because maybe we are a threat to you. Maybe the fact that we are still able to show up with kindness, grace and compassion means that we are as deserving as you – maybe though – if we let people see that – they might expect the same from you. It would be nice to just be able to change my skin colour. I don't feel like dealing with that today. But alas. Here we are.
I've managed to fit in and make myself palatable for you, dilute the discomfort I make you feel. Ultimately - that has led to me not belonging. Maybe this is the perfect lesson in learning whether I actually need to belong in a space with you.

Brene Brown refers to empathy as connecting with the emotional experience and the feelings that another person is having.
Perhaps that is the reason that there are so many unwilling to speak up about this genocide.
Could it be that the comforts of our life so far remove us from genuine feelings of fear, starvation, displacement, grief and loss that we are just unable to empathise with this group of people?
I keep trying to understand what it might be that has led to radio silence in this space. Particularly because the evidence against these atrocities continues to mount.

Are we so comfortable in our lives that we are unable to understand the effects of starvation?
That we cannot imagine the trauma inflicted by white phosphorus?
That we cannot understand the fear of being under seige?
That we cannot sleep at night, knowing we might be bombed in our sleep?
That we cannot understand the emotional and physical toll of not having somewhere warm and safest to go?
That we can't understand the compounding effect of watching all our friends and family be cruelly killed, crushed or beaten in front of us?

Where are we if we can't understand that any one of these things would likely break us?
Yet they continue to feed the broken and maimed animals and humans?
They continue to document for the world to see?
They continue to hold on to the tiniest glimmers of hope that exist because some people are fighting a fight for them, and they *might* get to experience freedom.

When all the governments and media continue to portray and vilify racial minorities, we all continue to lose. When they condemn anyone joining a terrorist organisation when an Australian couple is killed by isral, but then send condolences to another family when their family is enlisted in the IOF. What message does that send to people of colour? We already know that we are unsafe for expressing any other opinion, but this just continues to feed that narrative. We don't embrace multiculturalism as much we say and pretend we do.

The lack of coverage and the promotion of mindless advertising means we remain exactly as the "leaders" want. Unquestioning whilst maintaining a "happy" status quo.
Mindless scrolling, the constant ad cycle, lack of critical thinking is what will put all of our brains into a mode of hibernation.
We will be unable to question everything or examine our preconceived biases and we will continue this horrendous space of endless consumerism to fulfil some ABSENT inner need.

Everyday is sadder than the last, in that I know that if me and my boys were to be killed, the rest of the world would be less compassionate than if my (white) husband and his family was killed.

These last three months have seemed to drag.
I don't remember a single day where I didn't feel deep despair and anguish.
A day when I didn't cry at the weight of the world.
I have watched horrific videos.
Read and listened to absolutely horrendous rhetoric.
Noticed privilege in spaces that I wish they didn't exist.
Witnessed real racism in action.
I have heard zilch from people that claim to be "allies" to multiple groups of people.
The unwillingness for people to read and learn about stuff is absolutely wild.
I don't actually understand it.

We are witnessing the first live streamed genocide, and it seems like people just don't give a damn.
I have learnt about how violent our everyday language is.
I have realised how much consumerism harms folks that aren't part of the dominant group, whilst people continue to blindly support BIG brands.

I am so dissapointed in people.

The mental health professionals that can't empathise with dead doctors, nurses, paramedics, TRAUMA.
The equity, diversity "specialists" with no insight into why speaking out about a genocide matters.
The mothering groups that don't appear to give a crap about the dead brown babies and kids.
The "feminists" that have not once spoken about the thousands of displaced women with ZERO access to sanitary items.
The "matrescence" people that have not even said a thing about women having to have c-sections without anaesthetics.
The Human rights groups that have continued to stay silent on matters of ACTUAL HUMAN RIGHTS.
The animal rights groups that haven't mentioned the masses of dead and hurt animals.

Yes misinformation exists, but so does real evidence from people on the ground.
It's not hard to find information that these people have been living under occupation for many years.
How many more injured, dead, crushed, malnourished, starving, broken, anguished, despaired humans do we need to see?
I ask again why are you not enraged and livid that this is happening?

I've been having SO many conversations with different groups of people and I have been told that maybe I'm posting too much and I need to have self care. Maybe this is true.
I just can't yet.
I am vicariously traumatised. I think we all are or at least should be. The people on the ground certainly are. I'm starting to think that there is not much to do about it. I won't stop talking about this though. I am a changed human and it has been eye opening to say the least.

So here is a (non-exhaustive) list to try and be better humans and leaders. Sometimes leadership isnt our position, but its the change we can affect within our groups.

1. Be more mindful of the words we use. The language we currently use is so violent, and the words we use are actually quite awful if you think about what they actually mean.
2. Love our babies and kids like it is their last day. That means, don't be their first bully and teach them love and compassion. Honestly, I will NEVER stop kissing their little fingers and toes and they will NEVER think they are not loved. Guilt, shame and humiliation has no role in parenting so eliminate them from parenting guidebook. PSA calling your kid an asshole when they are learning to navigate their feelings is not a funny joke.
3. Mindfully consume. This includes media and the consumption of material goods and consumerism. There is ALWAYS someone at the other end of whatever it is we are using/buying/wearing. I know I have been an avid consumer for a long time, often with little to no associated thoughts.
4. Dismantle the systems that promote and hasten oppression. Oppression does not serve ANYBODY, and all the -isms are inextricably linked. Dismantling these systems together is the only way that EVERY PERSON on earth can be treated with peace, love and compassion.
5. Hold people accountable and be active bystanders for as many things as is physically and emotionally possible. Never again should mean never again for EVERYONE.
6. Use the power of your voice. Everybody has a circle of influence and everybody has the potential to cause the ripple effect. Use this power wisely. Giving voices to the people that don't have one is a huge privilege.
7. As always, be aware that we all have unconscious biases. If you have a brain, you have a bias. Learning about ourselves allows us to be more aware of our biases and allows us to better mitigate information that might contradict our world view, and perhaps formulate different thoughts and ideas that may have previously been inconceivable.

When I sleep, I dream about them
When I wake, I hope about them
When I put my kids to sleep, I think about them

I wonder what "friends" I have lost and continue to lose as a result of the deafening silence.
I see all the matching pj posts and the celebration of Christmas, whilst Bethlehem cancelled christmas.
I wonder what company I want to work for in the future. One that isn't silent when thousands are being massacred.

I'm glad you enjoyed Christmas.
I somewhat did to.
I felt like I had to do something with my family and share joy with my children.
I also shared moments of big tears, hard conversations and continuous thoughts of those losing their lives in the most horrific of ways.

We lost our dog the day before, only for her to be found and come home. What a relief that was. The combo of the potential loss and what's happening in Gaza paralysed me for the day. She's just our dog. Imagine what these people are feeling. It breaks me to think that they are constantly losing friends, family and loved ones.
There are people defending these actions.
Make it make sense.

I constantly feel like I'm suffocating because I don't know what atrocity will pop up next.
I have a persistent chest pain that won't go away because I don't know what else to do.
How does anything go back to any sense of normalcy after this?
I can't stop.
I won't stop talking about Palestine.

I don't want to shame anyone into coming out of their silent bubble but maybe there is a reason you feel the shame.
Sit with it.
What are you going to lose by sharing stories from people on the ground? What will you lose by amplifying the voices of people who are enduring things that WE CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO FATHOM?
Also, if you are not silent. And you just don't care or worse are an Israel apologist that still believes it's too complicated to talk about a genocide - that's also toxic.

Finally I will end with my 3 favourite quotes.
1. Acknowledging your privilege does not discount your oppression.
2. Congruence of your actions and feelings is significantly more important than appearing calm in any situation.
3. Fitting in is NOT the same as belonging. In fact it is quite the opposite. Belonging embraces who I am as a person. Fitting in results in me pretending to be someone I am not and compromises the values I hold.